A mothers love

No one will understand a mothers love 

Its fierceness

Its ruthlessness

Its passion

Its sacrifice

Its painfulness

Its selflessness

Its sleeplessness 

Its tears

Its hurt

No one not even  another because it's uniquely your love, a mothers love 

I made my bed

So I will have to lie in it... I take responsibility for my actions eventually. I believe it's important to own up to a mistake to not only fix it but grow from it. These few months I made so many missteps that led to the gravest mistake one can make and that's to leave a marriage with a child and be completely selfish

Anyways I wrote another text to my husband that is now like a short letter

*insert cute video of my husband reading to our 7 month old*

Not sure if I sent you this ... But I miss moments like this and I'm sorry I robbed you of it. Your feelings are valid, your hurt is valid, your lack of trust is valid. It all is. I know you have forgiven me and I appreciate that. I never thought about how selfish I was being as I was causing you to lose out on those precious times you guys share (frankly also some of the most endearing moments for me to watch and gush over which is why I recorded this) I understand the feelings you have right now and that too is valid. Thank you for showing me what it means to still push through difficult times even when it can be so easy to give up. I appreciate all your efforts to keep us intact now even though I didn't then. You are a wonderful man, husband, and father .... Somebody deserves that even if it's not me and I think I will have to live with that. I deserve that to realize how easily one can mess up a good thing and lose it all due to selfishness, anger, and fear. In the end I can only thank you. You gave me five wonderful years and help me to grow up a lot. I love you truly because your selflessness knows no bounds and your love for our son is the evidence. I wish I was more mature to have been like that. Bolaji deserves us both and no parent is more important. Your role and mine are not mutually exclusive but so entwined. My strengths and weakness will become his and lucky for me my weakness are your strengths and vice versa. He will be better because of BOTH of us. I see it now. I saw it then. 

Stay or fight

I never wanted to stay in a relationship because of my child however I wish there's a difference better staying for your Child versus using my child as a fuel to fight for or marriage.

It's a hard pill for me to swallow that I made such a huge mistake that could have a lasting impact on my life.

I was childish, I also hurt someone beyond repair in their eyes which is even worse. It will be hard for him to trust and love me and I did that.

I've gained a lot of perspective and matured a lot through this ordeal. Each day I think about this and ponder my life I realize more and more the missteps I took to push my husband against the wall. I also get it no one wants that feeling in a marriage. It's supposed to be secure, loving, peaceful, and happy.

I hope he gets that I've matured and I would try my best to right my wrongs

Blinded

Sometimes in love we take things for granted

So blinded by my own insecurities 

I miss the signs 

As I lost sight 

I no longer noticed the good the positive 

I started taking you for granted 

I missed the many ways you showed me love daily 

My focus was on the ways I wanted you to show me you love me 

Reassure me 

Want me 

I'm sorry 

Maybe I'm not to blame 

But I made my share of mistakes 

So it's my cross to bear 

I'm to blame 

As I regain my sight 

I realize you tried 

You did what you knew 

Take care of your family despite the issues 

I've gained perspective 

Unfortunately it took space 

It took losing you 

For my sight to be regained 

Pause

People who try to understand you rather than accept you will never love you unconditionally. Their love for you becomes conditioned by what you do to their pride. What they don't understand hurts their ego and theyre vengeful nature may lead to them attempting to cause you that same pain. Be weary of who you let pass your door step.

Terrell Harts
July 13, 2016

The alternative

I made a decision
There had to be better than
Arguing
Fighting
Crying
Ignoring
No sex
No love
Zero communication

There had to be better
An alternative
I chose the alternative
But where did it leave me
Sobbing uncontrollably at 10:30 pm on the floor in my house alone

This was what I wanted
But why does it feel like I created my own personal hell
To slowly rot away in misery
My thoughts hidden
Misunderstood
Even by me

Conflicted
I miss him
I love him
Why couldn't we make it work
Why couldn't I make it work
What's wrong with me
I let it all get out of hand

I can only control me
So I chose
I chose the alternative
It's what i could control
Or is it

Needs

I need you

But how do I let you know

I need your body
Connected to mine
The oneness
But how do I let you know

I'm not seeking your heart
Penetrate to the deepest of my darkest realms
I need you

My body thirsts for you
Every touch
Every breath
Every thrusts
It needs you

But how do I let you know

Yearning
Calling
Crying
Pent up
Frustration of months and months

Give me you
All of you
I need you
But how do I let you know

Premise for this little poem now mind you I'm no poet.  I called my soon to be ex husband and I wanted to ask him to come over. I felt pathetic but I also felt like it would be insulting. But it's hard I hate rejection more than anything --- yes I bounce back and I would probably call him again the next week and ask again because along with that rejection it tends to make me persistent to the point of weariness.

Anyways while on the call with him I immediately felt my nerves kick in and I decided not to and somehow made a mess of the situation instead.

So this morning after staying up half the night feeling horny; I needed him. At 6am I gave myself some kind of women empowerment speech. Tell him what you want, demand it lol.  But as usual I talked myself out of it

Hi _______ sorry to be calling you but I was wondering if we could have sex. I miss your body and frankly I can't envision giving myself to anybody. I don't want to at least not right now. I need you. I have needs too. You are one of them. I understand if you say no and I will be really hurt maybe devastated but I've always thought it was best to ask for what I want and put myself out there even though it risks being so badly rejected. Anyways it was worth the try.

Okay maybe not as empowering when it got to the last 2 sentences but you get the drift. I've alarrafy predicted how he feels about my request and that's because I feel like he hates me and I've ruined his life.

I've really made a mess of things. Am I really that fcuked up?!?!? Well I will be sharing this with my therapist hopefully I can get some clarity.

-Diary of a soon to be divorcee

Ps did I mention that the other conversation was suppose to go along the lines of "hey _____ I need an oil change and not my car but me" obviously that conversation would have gone way worse.

The art of a yo-yo

My spirit animal(or in this case toy) is a yo-yo

Up and down
Up and down down
Up and down down down
Up and down down down down

That's how I feel my emotions get the best of me and I find myself like a yo yo bouncing between emotions till slowly at the end of my string down down down and ....

A letter on L❤️VE

Another 2 hours and a 4 way meeting later I wanted to pen another letter

I would explain the premise of the letter and feelings around it but I think it's better that I just do it in my letter

Dear __________

I love you. That's just it.

My love for you will be finite. I know this now. I will probably always love you.

It's quite easy to see why, everytime I look into the face of our 14th month old; I see you and there is love.

Every tear I cry and every hurt I feel; my love for you grows immensely and infinitely (lots of tears and pain)

A love riddled in hurt but also in healing.

We sit across from each other adversaries with the same common goal fighting and I find love for you. Actually it's the most difficult time for me to dig in and find that love but somewhere it comes radiating through the tears I mentioned before. Love

It's my love for you that causes me so much pain but brings me pleasure

It's my love for you that sought you out wrongly those many nights of arguing and avoiding each other like the plague. My love for you is deeper.

Eventually my love for you scared me, made me toxic

It's that same love that allows me to demonstrate kindness to you and yours

Nothing good will come of hate.

So in the end I choose to love you, love you completely, love you enough to let go even when it's the most difficult heart wrenching thing to do.

Because I will always have love for you.  Bolaji is love and i can only love the creator of the person who i find so much love joy and happiness.

With love always,

-Sara-Kay

Truth is

theres no better than truth than your own.

I spoke to my soon-to-be-ex-husbands uncle a few days ago and told him about all these things that was going on in my head and life. He makes it easy for me to talk to him. Like my uncle he is a voice of reason.

Anyways, in the moment of talking to him, I realized I was becoming happier lighter free-ER and its because I was living in my truth. Acknowledging my feelings and best of all still being nice to someone who is being cold, unfeeling, and insensitive towards me.  I made up my mind that I would not be petty like my husband--- if he's a hour and a half late why create an argument. If it's birthday on my day offer to switch and send a homemade gift from the baby. If it's Father's Day on my day switch again and send cards and gift. Why? Because that's the kind of person I am. I am giving and thoughtful. Why change that because our relationship has ended. Nothing changes. I will be who I am --- emotional.

He continues to be himself but I will not let him take me out of my character.

My love wins. It conquers all. And someone will appreciate it.

6 days and counting

I've officially gone 6 days without tears. I've been on the brink once or twice but composure I held it together. But why? I've discovered how important it is to live in my truth. After opening up about the way I feel.  the soon-to-be-ex-husband and I engaged in some looooong winded pointless back and forth texting via whatsapp. It was cathartic for me but an excellent reminder of our poor communication skills. It got us nowhere.

 Love is never enough. So no matter how much I love him and will always love him. I am letting go. He needs someone who will help him to heal and love him as do I. We deserve that. We both do.

It's the hardest thing I've ever done but I know it's what we both need. Love isn't always enough.

Dear Son

Today you are 13 months and 2 weeks, it's been 4 shorts months since I left the home we lived in. I've tried to work things out with your dad but he doesn't want any parts. I want you to know that even though I left and it was my fault. I did try. I tried to reconcile. I tried to put my ego aside. I tried to put my pride aside. I even tried begging. But all of which to no avail.

I love your dad immensely but sometimes people in ther time of hurt make really stupid mistakes. Mistakes that can mess up their lives and change it forever.

No matter what know that you were conceived out of love. You came into love and you are surrounded by love.

Know it wasn't for a lack of trying on my part but sometimes things just never work out the way they should and we just have to let go.

I love you

Your mom,

Sara-Kay

I did it

Not that it.

I told my lawyer, co-parent counselor, myself the soon to be hopefully not anymore ex-husband how I really felt

It was liberating. It was true. It was real and oh so honest.

I told him I want to reconcile... just dropped the R bomb in our co-parenting session.  Our counselor looked at me like I had 4 heads. Did he see this coming?

So yes world my husband knows that I still care about him; I feel horrible for all the pain I caused him but the worst part will be the rejection to follow.

I don't think he wants to reconcile. I have hurt him too much and I understand now.

But nonetheless, to be able to swallow your pride and ego in love is important and I did it.

Also, I felt even better to know that I had a friend who i could share this with.

My plan is to continue to show him the person he fell in love and married.

Love is hard.

anyways 2 days since I last cried and that's because I could finally be honest with myself, the most important person.

Tears

The sickness you never really see

I've cried sometimes even bawled and other times I've wept 

Almost everyday 

Sometimes 3-5 in a times in a day 

And once in a while never (these are the good days but they are so far and few between) 

I cry in my loneliest moments

In my car to work listening to k-love 

In bed at night while I breastfeed or even soothe a crying baby I too cry 

When I pee I cry 

Sitting in my classroom grading papers I cry 

In the shower 

After I call my ex-husband-to-be for the 15 times that week and like the other 14 times before he didn't pick up I cried 

When I look at pictures on Facebook I cry 

It's cathartic but it's painful 

It makes me more anxious and overwhelmed 

I feel like I'm stuck 

Somewhere 

And I can't find myself 

13 months and counting life will get better

I come from a line of strong women 

One day at a time 

Things I tell myself 

But instead I feel like I'm falling deeper 

Is this depression? Anxiety? 

Will I be happy again?

I talk to God ... I sing to him ... I cry out to him 

In frustration 

In hope 

In my sorrow

In my confusion 

For clarity

Guidance 

Love 

Each time I find myself falling deeper 

I want to be strong

I want to find happiness

Peace 

Love

Success

Not for myself but for the persons who made me feel --- my son 

But I find myself falling deeper

Questioning 

Doubting 

Will this ever get better 

Is this depression? Anxiety? 

Am I way in over my head 

I just want happiness 

It's true: when it rains it pours sleets and storms

Over the last 30 hours I've been bursting into spontaneous tears minus the moments when a simple polite inquiry of how are you reduces me to a stoic nod or a meltdown into sobbing whimpers 

I feel inconsolable

Gloomy 

Melancholy 

Thank God Mother Nature understands; on my way to work it was foggy which encapsulated the dark cloud I felt as I was driving, the  sun fought through for a few hours but ultimately the sky reverted to a misty eerie feel and the clouds gave way to an outpouring of water.  Something someone understands my mood...

I know it is okay to feel the way I do and someday things will get better but for now the end is farther than it seems and I would much rather embrace how I feel. 

So with that when it rains it pours, sleets and storms 

Not a letter of reconciliation

My best friend in college taught me that writing was a good way to vent... Just never send the email. Since that day in 2009 when some kid ticked me off on a group project I wrote about it instead of emailing them a snappy and nasty reply. Now, I have over 47 drafted emails mostly to my ex-husband-to-be and others.  I drafted an email for him about four days ago with an excerpt of a conversation he was having with the same friend that he has began to slander me to... The narratives are completely opposite.

Well today. A minute ago. I sent that email. No it wasn't because I want to reconcile or makeup. More so i wanted him to realize as a couple we are on a journey; you cared about me. Yet, in a moment of difficulty, you hate me and I'm the worst kind of person there is.  Marriages are hard; people change, I met him when I was 19 and I had a lot of growing up to do. Marriage is patience;it's work. Sometimes you need space.  

How ironic! In the chat he had with her he described this fierce love for me so much that he called it LIKE a lot (red flag number 1, I will probably address this in a blog but then I thought it was cute)


*** I never finished this day but I will publish it as is 

Dear Diary: An open letter to...

My ex-husband-to-be (I'm assuming that's what you call an estranged spouse that has filed for a divorce), his family, and friends,

Thank you all for granting me your audience. Now, that I have your attention where should I begin. Hmmm... Let's start with "Mrs. Logan-Ajiboye, thank you for meeting with me and trusting me to handle your case.  In order to retain my services you will be billed $4,000 as retainer which will be held in a separate account. Although, we believe that your case could run as high as $8,000 due to the complexities of motion and wants of spouse"

Yes you read correctly, I will be billed $4000-$8000 to retain a lawyer all because I would much rather not be a doormat and roll over and settle for the options my spouse is giving me.  So why did I pen this letter to you all? Well, as the father of my child and once the love of my life I'm sure you realize how ludicrous this is; we are investing 8,000 each (~16,000) into other people's pockets for their business and for their family so that there child could go to college.  Instead of communicating like mature adults, creating a plan through some sort of mediation once everything has cooled off, we both could maintain our money and put it towards raising our son and ensuring that he has all his hearts desires.  To continue, the amount of money I make for work is 3 times less that of your salary. Where will this money come from? Who advised you that this was the best way to resolve our family situation was to tear us apart further.

As his family or friends it is your job to ensure that your friend is reflective and thinks about his decision and the implication.  The goal is to be apart of our sons life and throwing money at lawyers to have them showdown will not necessarily break about

Thanks again.

Today, after meeting with my lawyer and discussing my retainer. I felt overwhelmed, distraught, frustrated... How did things get so bad ? Where will this money come from? I have plans for my money! I worked so hard to save.  This is not the best use of my money.

I wish we could resolve this situation better but there is no other way.

Divorce sucks!


On the plus side, little man officially crawled on all fours and is no longer scooting like an inch worm. This all occurred on my birthday 3.14.16 and I couldn't ask for a better birthday gift.

25!

Today marks my 25 birthday.  I greet my birthday with so much pent up mixed emotions. I want to cry because of the last 6 years of my birthday I celebrated it with someone special. 6 years, it feels like eternity.  I'm happy, I'm a mom  and for my 25th birthday I woke up next to the most handsome 10 month old, my son.

I'm in transition, at the age when I thought I would have it all figured out, 25.   Here I am,  I am living at my parent's home with my son with hopes of having my own home, I'm rushing to work in Massachusetts when I would rather partner and help grow my mom's business, I am in the middle of a divorce and custody battle when I would much rather be with my forever person raising our child with hopes of having more.

In all this, I do thank God! I woke up to mark another day, another year.  25! You are a miracle, not everyone lives to see this age.  25!

I am ready to embrace the journey...

where will life take me at 25?

I declare this my year, 25! In Jesus Name!

So for my 25th birthday... a blog a day to keep the negative thoughts away. (okay and because writing is cathartic/therapeutic)