Tears

The sickness you never really see

I've cried sometimes even bawled and other times I've wept 

Almost everyday 

Sometimes 3-5 in a times in a day 

And once in a while never (these are the good days but they are so far and few between) 

I cry in my loneliest moments

In my car to work listening to k-love 

In bed at night while I breastfeed or even soothe a crying baby I too cry 

When I pee I cry 

Sitting in my classroom grading papers I cry 

In the shower 

After I call my ex-husband-to-be for the 15 times that week and like the other 14 times before he didn't pick up I cried 

When I look at pictures on Facebook I cry 

It's cathartic but it's painful 

It makes me more anxious and overwhelmed 

I feel like I'm stuck 

Somewhere 

And I can't find myself 

13 months and counting life will get better

I come from a line of strong women 

One day at a time 

Things I tell myself 

But instead I feel like I'm falling deeper 

Is this depression? Anxiety? 

Will I be happy again?

I talk to God ... I sing to him ... I cry out to him 

In frustration 

In hope 

In my sorrow

In my confusion 

For clarity

Guidance 

Love 

Each time I find myself falling deeper 

I want to be strong

I want to find happiness

Peace 

Love

Success

Not for myself but for the persons who made me feel --- my son 

But I find myself falling deeper

Questioning 

Doubting 

Will this ever get better 

Is this depression? Anxiety? 

Am I way in over my head 

I just want happiness