Truth is

theres no better than truth than your own.

I spoke to my soon-to-be-ex-husbands uncle a few days ago and told him about all these things that was going on in my head and life. He makes it easy for me to talk to him. Like my uncle he is a voice of reason.

Anyways, in the moment of talking to him, I realized I was becoming happier lighter free-ER and its because I was living in my truth. Acknowledging my feelings and best of all still being nice to someone who is being cold, unfeeling, and insensitive towards me.  I made up my mind that I would not be petty like my husband--- if he's a hour and a half late why create an argument. If it's birthday on my day offer to switch and send a homemade gift from the baby. If it's Father's Day on my day switch again and send cards and gift. Why? Because that's the kind of person I am. I am giving and thoughtful. Why change that because our relationship has ended. Nothing changes. I will be who I am --- emotional.

He continues to be himself but I will not let him take me out of my character.

My love wins. It conquers all. And someone will appreciate it.

6 days and counting

I've officially gone 6 days without tears. I've been on the brink once or twice but composure I held it together. But why? I've discovered how important it is to live in my truth. After opening up about the way I feel.  the soon-to-be-ex-husband and I engaged in some looooong winded pointless back and forth texting via whatsapp. It was cathartic for me but an excellent reminder of our poor communication skills. It got us nowhere.

 Love is never enough. So no matter how much I love him and will always love him. I am letting go. He needs someone who will help him to heal and love him as do I. We deserve that. We both do.

It's the hardest thing I've ever done but I know it's what we both need. Love isn't always enough.

Dear Son

Today you are 13 months and 2 weeks, it's been 4 shorts months since I left the home we lived in. I've tried to work things out with your dad but he doesn't want any parts. I want you to know that even though I left and it was my fault. I did try. I tried to reconcile. I tried to put my ego aside. I tried to put my pride aside. I even tried begging. But all of which to no avail.

I love your dad immensely but sometimes people in ther time of hurt make really stupid mistakes. Mistakes that can mess up their lives and change it forever.

No matter what know that you were conceived out of love. You came into love and you are surrounded by love.

Know it wasn't for a lack of trying on my part but sometimes things just never work out the way they should and we just have to let go.

I love you

Your mom,

Sara-Kay

I did it

Not that it.

I told my lawyer, co-parent counselor, myself the soon to be hopefully not anymore ex-husband how I really felt

It was liberating. It was true. It was real and oh so honest.

I told him I want to reconcile... just dropped the R bomb in our co-parenting session.  Our counselor looked at me like I had 4 heads. Did he see this coming?

So yes world my husband knows that I still care about him; I feel horrible for all the pain I caused him but the worst part will be the rejection to follow.

I don't think he wants to reconcile. I have hurt him too much and I understand now.

But nonetheless, to be able to swallow your pride and ego in love is important and I did it.

Also, I felt even better to know that I had a friend who i could share this with.

My plan is to continue to show him the person he fell in love and married.

Love is hard.

anyways 2 days since I last cried and that's because I could finally be honest with myself, the most important person.

Tears

The sickness you never really see

I've cried sometimes even bawled and other times I've wept 

Almost everyday 

Sometimes 3-5 in a times in a day 

And once in a while never (these are the good days but they are so far and few between) 

I cry in my loneliest moments

In my car to work listening to k-love 

In bed at night while I breastfeed or even soothe a crying baby I too cry 

When I pee I cry 

Sitting in my classroom grading papers I cry 

In the shower 

After I call my ex-husband-to-be for the 15 times that week and like the other 14 times before he didn't pick up I cried 

When I look at pictures on Facebook I cry 

It's cathartic but it's painful 

It makes me more anxious and overwhelmed 

I feel like I'm stuck 

Somewhere 

And I can't find myself 

13 months and counting life will get better

I come from a line of strong women 

One day at a time 

Things I tell myself 

But instead I feel like I'm falling deeper 

Is this depression? Anxiety? 

Will I be happy again?

I talk to God ... I sing to him ... I cry out to him 

In frustration 

In hope 

In my sorrow

In my confusion 

For clarity

Guidance 

Love 

Each time I find myself falling deeper 

I want to be strong

I want to find happiness

Peace 

Love

Success

Not for myself but for the persons who made me feel --- my son 

But I find myself falling deeper

Questioning 

Doubting 

Will this ever get better 

Is this depression? Anxiety? 

Am I way in over my head 

I just want happiness