I made my bed

So I will have to lie in it... I take responsibility for my actions eventually. I believe it's important to own up to a mistake to not only fix it but grow from it. These few months I made so many missteps that led to the gravest mistake one can make and that's to leave a marriage with a child and be completely selfish

Anyways I wrote another text to my husband that is now like a short letter

*insert cute video of my husband reading to our 7 month old*

Not sure if I sent you this ... But I miss moments like this and I'm sorry I robbed you of it. Your feelings are valid, your hurt is valid, your lack of trust is valid. It all is. I know you have forgiven me and I appreciate that. I never thought about how selfish I was being as I was causing you to lose out on those precious times you guys share (frankly also some of the most endearing moments for me to watch and gush over which is why I recorded this) I understand the feelings you have right now and that too is valid. Thank you for showing me what it means to still push through difficult times even when it can be so easy to give up. I appreciate all your efforts to keep us intact now even though I didn't then. You are a wonderful man, husband, and father .... Somebody deserves that even if it's not me and I think I will have to live with that. I deserve that to realize how easily one can mess up a good thing and lose it all due to selfishness, anger, and fear. In the end I can only thank you. You gave me five wonderful years and help me to grow up a lot. I love you truly because your selflessness knows no bounds and your love for our son is the evidence. I wish I was more mature to have been like that. Bolaji deserves us both and no parent is more important. Your role and mine are not mutually exclusive but so entwined. My strengths and weakness will become his and lucky for me my weakness are your strengths and vice versa. He will be better because of BOTH of us. I see it now. I saw it then. 

Stay or fight

I never wanted to stay in a relationship because of my child however I wish there's a difference better staying for your Child versus using my child as a fuel to fight for or marriage.

It's a hard pill for me to swallow that I made such a huge mistake that could have a lasting impact on my life.

I was childish, I also hurt someone beyond repair in their eyes which is even worse. It will be hard for him to trust and love me and I did that.

I've gained a lot of perspective and matured a lot through this ordeal. Each day I think about this and ponder my life I realize more and more the missteps I took to push my husband against the wall. I also get it no one wants that feeling in a marriage. It's supposed to be secure, loving, peaceful, and happy.

I hope he gets that I've matured and I would try my best to right my wrongs

Blinded

Sometimes in love we take things for granted

So blinded by my own insecurities 

I miss the signs 

As I lost sight 

I no longer noticed the good the positive 

I started taking you for granted 

I missed the many ways you showed me love daily 

My focus was on the ways I wanted you to show me you love me 

Reassure me 

Want me 

I'm sorry 

Maybe I'm not to blame 

But I made my share of mistakes 

So it's my cross to bear 

I'm to blame 

As I regain my sight 

I realize you tried 

You did what you knew 

Take care of your family despite the issues 

I've gained perspective 

Unfortunately it took space 

It took losing you 

For my sight to be regained 

Pause

People who try to understand you rather than accept you will never love you unconditionally. Their love for you becomes conditioned by what you do to their pride. What they don't understand hurts their ego and theyre vengeful nature may lead to them attempting to cause you that same pain. Be weary of who you let pass your door step.

Terrell Harts
July 13, 2016

The alternative

I made a decision
There had to be better than
Arguing
Fighting
Crying
Ignoring
No sex
No love
Zero communication

There had to be better
An alternative
I chose the alternative
But where did it leave me
Sobbing uncontrollably at 10:30 pm on the floor in my house alone

This was what I wanted
But why does it feel like I created my own personal hell
To slowly rot away in misery
My thoughts hidden
Misunderstood
Even by me

Conflicted
I miss him
I love him
Why couldn't we make it work
Why couldn't I make it work
What's wrong with me
I let it all get out of hand

I can only control me
So I chose
I chose the alternative
It's what i could control
Or is it

Needs

I need you

But how do I let you know

I need your body
Connected to mine
The oneness
But how do I let you know

I'm not seeking your heart
Penetrate to the deepest of my darkest realms
I need you

My body thirsts for you
Every touch
Every breath
Every thrusts
It needs you

But how do I let you know

Yearning
Calling
Crying
Pent up
Frustration of months and months

Give me you
All of you
I need you
But how do I let you know

Premise for this little poem now mind you I'm no poet.  I called my soon to be ex husband and I wanted to ask him to come over. I felt pathetic but I also felt like it would be insulting. But it's hard I hate rejection more than anything --- yes I bounce back and I would probably call him again the next week and ask again because along with that rejection it tends to make me persistent to the point of weariness.

Anyways while on the call with him I immediately felt my nerves kick in and I decided not to and somehow made a mess of the situation instead.

So this morning after staying up half the night feeling horny; I needed him. At 6am I gave myself some kind of women empowerment speech. Tell him what you want, demand it lol.  But as usual I talked myself out of it

Hi _______ sorry to be calling you but I was wondering if we could have sex. I miss your body and frankly I can't envision giving myself to anybody. I don't want to at least not right now. I need you. I have needs too. You are one of them. I understand if you say no and I will be really hurt maybe devastated but I've always thought it was best to ask for what I want and put myself out there even though it risks being so badly rejected. Anyways it was worth the try.

Okay maybe not as empowering when it got to the last 2 sentences but you get the drift. I've alarrafy predicted how he feels about my request and that's because I feel like he hates me and I've ruined his life.

I've really made a mess of things. Am I really that fcuked up?!?!? Well I will be sharing this with my therapist hopefully I can get some clarity.

-Diary of a soon to be divorcee

Ps did I mention that the other conversation was suppose to go along the lines of "hey _____ I need an oil change and not my car but me" obviously that conversation would have gone way worse.

The art of a yo-yo

My spirit animal(or in this case toy) is a yo-yo

Up and down
Up and down down
Up and down down down
Up and down down down down

That's how I feel my emotions get the best of me and I find myself like a yo yo bouncing between emotions till slowly at the end of my string down down down and ....

A letter on L❤️VE

Another 2 hours and a 4 way meeting later I wanted to pen another letter

I would explain the premise of the letter and feelings around it but I think it's better that I just do it in my letter

Dear __________

I love you. That's just it.

My love for you will be finite. I know this now. I will probably always love you.

It's quite easy to see why, everytime I look into the face of our 14th month old; I see you and there is love.

Every tear I cry and every hurt I feel; my love for you grows immensely and infinitely (lots of tears and pain)

A love riddled in hurt but also in healing.

We sit across from each other adversaries with the same common goal fighting and I find love for you. Actually it's the most difficult time for me to dig in and find that love but somewhere it comes radiating through the tears I mentioned before. Love

It's my love for you that causes me so much pain but brings me pleasure

It's my love for you that sought you out wrongly those many nights of arguing and avoiding each other like the plague. My love for you is deeper.

Eventually my love for you scared me, made me toxic

It's that same love that allows me to demonstrate kindness to you and yours

Nothing good will come of hate.

So in the end I choose to love you, love you completely, love you enough to let go even when it's the most difficult heart wrenching thing to do.

Because I will always have love for you.  Bolaji is love and i can only love the creator of the person who i find so much love joy and happiness.

With love always,

-Sara-Kay